The Dumb Dog Blog – The amazing adventures of an ordinary dog

Double Header

The other day, me and my sister Ashley had the most amazing day. It was amazing because we had two adventures in the same day. This is what I call a Double Header.

Adventure #1: Coal Oil Point

The first adventure we had was a hike at Coal Oil Point. I do not know why they call this place Coal Oil Point.

I do not know why they call this beach Coal Oil Point, but that is what they call it.

Don’t get the wrong idea, though, because this beach is really pretty. Here is a better picture:

Photo May 29, 9 31 59 AM — Coal Oil Point

If you are a dog and you want to go to Coal Oil Point, you have to have a person on leash with you because it is a Protected Habitat. Evidently a Protected Habitat is a place where a bunch of cranky animals get to live without being bothered. For example look at this video of this super-mean crab that we met.

But even though some of the animals were mean, we had a pretty good time. Here is a picture of me and my sister Ashley and you can see that we are happy dogs:

Adventure #2: Sailing

So after we got home from Coal Oil Point, I thought the good part of our day was over and that we were just going to sleep the rest of the day. Sleeping is pretty much what me and my sister Ashley always do after having an adventure.

But instead my mom and dad got out our Float Coats! Anytime we put on our Float Coats it means we’re going sailing. And that’s what we did!

The most amazing thing that happened during our sailing trip was we saw a huge pod of dolphins. Dolphins seem like pretty cool animals (way nicer than crabs). They played in the wake of our boat for a while.

Now, I tried really hard to get some pictures of these dolphins for you, but here is why I didn’t get very many:

Wrong Angle — Why I do not have a GoPro video of the dolphins I saw.

So somebody out there needs to invent a better way for me to use my GoPro, because this kind of thing happens to me all the time. If you invent it I will sell it for you here on my blog. Otherwise if you won’t invent it, I’ll have to invent it myself.

But anyway, here is one picture that I got:

We sailed from the harbor all way out to the oil rigs and there was good wind the whole way. In case you don’t know, the wind is what makes the boat go, so having some wind is usually good. Here is a picture of me and my sister Ashley sailing with my dad. When my mom took this picture she called us a pack of dirty dogs. I don’t know what she is trying to say about my dad, but anyway.

So you have to admit that was a pretty amazing day. Here is one crazy thing that happened: somebody I have never met wrote about my amazing life on this wall! How would they know this about me? They must read my blog…

How to Get a Carrot

You may not know this but carrots are one of the most amazing things to eat. They are way better than kibble of course. But I would also say they are better than cookies and other special treats.

Me and my sister Ashley have our people pretty well trained to give us carrots. They are supposed to give us a carrot when they get home from work, unless we’ve been bad that day. However, keeping up this training requires some diligence. Your people need to feel like you really want that carrot or they will start to get uninterested in giving it to you.

I have been working on my technique for getting a carrot for a long time so I’m pretty good at it. Here is how I do it:

As you can see this technique for getting a carrot requires some athleticism. I suggest a regular exercise program like jumping on and off the couch, or running outside to bark through the fence at the Neighbor Dog (you have to do this several times an hour for it to be good exercise).

If you have any good techniques for getting your favorite treat out of your people, you should write me a comment about it. This way all of my amazing followers can learn from you too.

How to Dry Off After a Bath

Now that I have been writing my blog for a little while, I had an interesting thought. I realized that I have these skills and techniques that all of you probably don’t have. Now, since I have this amazing blog, I have decided to use my powers for good and teach all of you about the things I know how to do. This is why I am starting a whole new category on my blog called “Techniques.” If you need advice from me that is where you should go.

So today I will show you the best technique for drying off after a bath. There are lots of ways you could do this, but they are not all as good as the method that me and my sister Ashley use. You know what, maybe I should just show you:

Dingleberry in Wine Country

You may not know this, but sometimes I can be a very refined and cultured dog. This is the kind of dog I was last weekend because we went wine tasting in the Santa Ynez Valley. You have to be refined to go wine tasting.

Wine tasting has several good parts to it. For one thing, you get to take a really good car ride. The car ride is so good because it is usually on country roads instead of the freeway and your people will roll down the windows so you can smell everything. My sister Ashley really likes to smell everything when we’re in the car. Look, here is a video of her on our way to the winery:

Now, my sister Ashley really likes wine. But my mom and dad will not let her have it. (Except sometimes my dad will let her lick a drop off his finger, which my mom does not always seem to approve of.) We learned that Ashley really likes wine a long time ago when somebody spilled some and Ashley helped clean it up. I do not like wine, just so you know. Here is a picture of Ashley wishing she could have some wine.

Another one of the good parts about wine tasting is getting to be outside all day. Your people will take you to different vineyards and then they just let you hang out there. It is very strange but they don’t seem rushed at all! I even got to sit on the table last weekend, which is normally a Place I Am Not Allowed. Here look:

Me being refined — Only very refined dogs go wine tasting

I would like you to note how respectable I am in this picture. Just remember this next time you read one of my posts and think to yourself what a raggedy little dog I look like.

You may think that wine tasting is a strange thing for a dog to do, but actually lots of dogs go wine tasting. We always see some dogs when we go. People who like wine seem to like dogs. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it is nice that other dogs get to go. On the other hand, as you know I do not like other dogs.

Last weekend we went wine tasting at Lincourt. My mom and dad say they make really good wine. Ashley agrees. They have a really nice tasting room where you can go, or you can sit outside like we did all day long! If you’ve ever been there, you should write me a comment and talk about how awesome it is.

A Tale About Whales

Yesterday me and my sister Ashley went on a walk on the beach with our mom. Well, our mom walked but we ran.

Anyway, we saw four whales! They were pretty amazing. I think they may have been a family of some kind, sort of like me and Ashley and my mom and dad.

Now, I did not get any good pictures of these whales, so you are just going to have to believe me. Since I am so trustworthy, I know you will be able to do this. You people reading my blog seem pretty cool, so I also know you will understand that sometimes when you’re in the middle of an amazing adventure you just do not have the camera ready.

But since I didn’t get any pictures, I made you this diagram to show you how big whales are. Which is pretty big. It is a good thing they are friendly. Even so it makes me think I should concentrate harder on staying in the boat the next time we go sailing.

Whales are really big — Whales are Really Big

On Being Bad

Today me and my sister Ashley were bad dogs.

Every day except Saturday and Sunday our mom and dad get up and leave us behind. They go on some amazing adventure called “work” and they don’t even take us with them. Most of the time we try to be okay with this, but sometimes me and Ashley find this behavior so completely intolerable that we are forced to respond by being bad.

So, today we got on the kitchen table and ate a candle and a napkin. Here is a picture of what we did:

Bad dogs aftermath — This is the aftermath of me and Ashley being bad

Now, being bad in response to inappropriate behavior by your people is actually a brave and honorable thing to do. It is standing up for your rights as a dog. It is saying “enough!” when the injustice has gone too far. Me and Ashley call it Civil Disobedience.

Now, if you are going to Civilly Disobey your people, you have to do certain things right. Let me tell you about how it’s done so that you can try it too.

1. You Have To Act Sorry

When I am Civilly Disobedient it’s because I am mad about something in particular. It’s not about rejecting the whole System. The System is mostly good, because it involves the people having most of the responsibilities and the dogs not having very many.

That’s why if you’re bad without acting sorry about it later, you are flirting with disaster. You have to act sorry so you don’t threaten the whole System. Here is how me and Ashley act sorry:

I will tell you about our carefully refined technique for acting sorry. First of all, it is helpful to use Sad Eyes. All dogs have this skill so it should not be a problem for you. You should also go to your kennel or your bed without your people telling you to. Now, me and my sister Ashley generally do not like touching each other. So, when we are acting sorry we will huddle close together like in this picture which really helps sell the whole package, because our people think we must really feel awful.

2. You Should Wreck Something Cheap

Usually being Civilly Disobedient involves wrecking something on purpose. Now, when you do this you should choose carefully. You want to wreck something sort of inconsequential or your people may hold a grudge.

For example once my brother Archie came over to our house and wrecked the window blinds. Evidently window blinds are not cheap because that was, like, a year ago and my mom and dad still hold it against Archie.

Today as part of being bad, we selected a candle to wreck. This candle was little so we knew it was okay. It did not taste good so we just chewed it up into a powder and spit it out. We also wrecked a napkin. Napkins are super cheap.

Another way you can wreck cheap things is by taking the trash out of the trash can and then wrecking the trash. Trash doesn’t cost anything. This is one of me and Ashley’s favorite ways of being bad.

3. You Should Go Somewhere You Are Not Allowed

Going somewhere you are not allowed to go is a great way for a dog to be Civilly Disobedient. That is why today, me and my sister Ashley got up on the kitchen table.

You need to be smart about this, because if you go someplace you are not allowed and your people are not home, how are they going to know? Me and my sister Ashley, being old pros at Civil Disobedience, put principal #2 and principal #3 together when we chewed up the candle and left the dust on the table. Not only could our people see we had wrecked something, but they could also see we had wrecked it in a place we were not supposed to be.

It takes a lot of time and practice to get as good at Civil Disobedience as me and Ashley are. But you’ve got to start somewhere, so follow these tips and give it a try. Leave me a comment and let me know how it goes.

I’m On Facebook… Again

I am on Facebook. Well I was. Actually now I am again.

Okay let me explain. As you know, I am a dog. I was on Facebook and it was great. I had put some pictures on there, which is a big achievement for a dumb dog like me. Also a lot of you nice people had decided to be my Friend. And some of you decided to come here and read my blog after seeing me on Facebook, which was very nice of you.

Also, I even found that when I saw other dogs I didn’t know on Facebook, I did not have the Bad Reaction that I usually have when I see dogs I don’t know in person.

Then, one day (well yesterday actually), I could not log into my Facebook. And I got this message:

Now I have a small brain, but this message really boiled it. I mean, the nerve! Here is what I have to say about this Facebook message:

It looks like you’re using a profile to represent an organization, business, brand or public figure.

I am definitely not an organization. I am a small dog. Just because I have this amazing blog and all my posts go viral does not mean that I am a business.

Although maybe I am sort of like a public figure… I had not thought about that.

Personal profiles are for individual people only…

I am an individual! There is only one of me. My dad is over here saying “thank God” right now, which I do not know why he would say that. But never mind him.

So since I am an individual, the problem must be that I am not a person. Well, I am not. I am a dog. You got me there, Facebook. But I have to make a stand against this kind of anti-dogism. Facebook needs to get with the times. It is okay in today’s society to be a dog.

…and should include a real first name and last name (ex: John Doe).

This one really steams me. I do have a real first name and a real last name. My real first name is Dingleberry and my real last name is Dingbat and those are exactly the two names that I typed into Facebook. So I guess they do not like my two names. But I don’t think they should judge me or my names like that.

I have to say something about this stupid example too. I mean, obviously “John Doe” is not somebody’s real first name and last name. So how come this fake John Doe gets to be on Facebook and the real Dingleberry Dingbat (that’s me) does not?

In order to follow the Facebook Terms and better reach your audience, we’ll need to convert your profile to a Page.

This seems very selfish of Facebook. I did not ask Facebook to follow the Dingleberry Terms. And I was reaching all of you nice people just fine without being Converted. Now that I have been Converted, I do not receive these nice Friend Requests any more.

The friends of your current profile will be transferred to your new Page as followers.

So now I have a Facebook Page instead of a profile. And now all of you nice people are Followers instead of Friends. Well I still think of you as Friends, but Facebook thinks of you as Followers. Following makes it sounds like you listen to what I say and do what I tell you to do. But I would not recommend that, because I am just a small dumb dog.

Even though I do not agree with it, something tells me Facebook is not going to give me back my Profile. So even though it does not seem right that I would have a Page instead of a Profile, hopefully all you nice people will just put up with it like I am going to do. If you want to go to my Facebook Page and give Facebook an earful, here is where you can go: My Facebook page.

And if any of you want to write me a comment to tell me if you are mad or happy about Facebook, you can do that right here on my blog.

Going to the Groomer is the Worst

Lately my mom and dad have been saying I smell bad and I need a bath. And also that I need a haircut. Maybe this is true because this is how I looked this morning:

Me looking scruffy — I need a bath and a haircut

Also they said the same thing about my sister Ashley. See, she was scruffy too:

Ashley looking scruffy — Ashley needs a bath and a haircut too

I guess I can understand the haircut but I think me and Ashley smelled just fine. If you are a dog, you spend a lot of time building up your smell. It is something you put some effort into. It is really upsetting when your people go and wash it off.

Anyway, today my parents took us to the groomer.

Now, most of the time me and Ashley’s lives are pretty awesome. But, when we have to go to the groomer, our lives are Not Awesome. We do not like the groomer. Here is a list about why:

At the groomer, there are other dogs. We do not like other dogs.
At the groomer, there are strange people. We do not like strange people.
The groomer talks to you like you are dumb. (Well, okay, in my case they might be onto something.)
The groomer touches your feet.
You lose the smell you’ve been working on for weeks.
You have the worst time, and you have to wait your turn to have it.
The groomer brushes your hair. (I mean, ugh.)
Worst for last: Anal glands. Enough said.

It is obviously true that the groomer is a terrible place to go. Even my mom and dad think so. Every time we go to the groomer, they leave us there and make a run for it. That is because they hate it there too.

Here is what me and my sister Ashley look like now that we are back from the groomer:

Clean and Smooth — Me and my sister Ashley after escaping the groomer

See? How embarrassing. We look all skinny. And also the wind is cold now.

Did you know that my mom and dad take baths every day? I cannot understand why they would do this. It seems like a lot of unpleasantness to put yourself through. I would recommend only taking a bath once every three weeks at the most.

Anyway, hopefully tomorrow our lives will go back to being awesome. If you want to write me a comment about your worst bath ever you can do that down here at the bottom:

My Uninteresting Diet

Every day I eat exactly the same thing. Here is what it looks like:
Breakfast

I don’t know if you have ever eaten kibble for 2,920 days in a row, but that’s how many days I have been eating kibble. Anyway it is not very exciting. Sometimes I get a little tired of it. Here is an example:

Kibble Again

My sister Ashley does not eat kibble. She is on a special diet so she gets to eat this Yummy Stuff out of a can. Every morning I sit and watch Ashley eat her food first. I do not try to eat my kibble until she has finished eating her Yummy Stuff. That is because she is the Dog in Charge and I am not. After she is done eating then I eat my kibble. After that I go outside and poop.

One thing I have noticed about my people is that they do not eat the same thing every day. I find this pretty confusing. It almost seems like they eat better than me and Ashley do, but that would be insubordination. I don’t know. Ashley puts up with it, so I do too. Of course, maybe it does not bother Ashley as much, since she gets to eat Yummy Stuff instead of kibble.

There may be some hidden benefits about eating kibble every day though. Here is a list I made:

Eating kibble every day keeps you regular.
You can’t run out of kibble. Every time we almost run out of kibble, it just re-materializes in the kibble storage bin.
You don’t have to decide what to eat every night like my people do.
You don’t have to cook it. It is ready to go.
Ashley doesn’t like kibble, so she won’t steal it from my bowl.
Ants are not attracted to kibble. (Hmm.)
Your people can bring some kibble on hikes and other adventures. If they remember.
At least you know what you’re getting.

You can leave me a comment on what you think of my diet and whether you think my people should get me some better food.

On Having a Place

There is something to be said about having a Place. My sister Ashley has a Place right on the top of the couch. She is so faithful to this Place that the couch is dented in, see:

Now, this does not make my mom that happy. But it makes Ashley happy. They are in disagreement because my mom thinks the couch is hers, but obviously it is Ashley’s. Now that the dent is permanent, my mom is starting to see things Ashley’s way.

The world is big but me and Ashley are small. It can seem kind of overwhelming. But when you have a Place like Ashley does, everything seems a little more manageable. After having an adventure where you don’t know what might happen next, you can come back and count on your Place being there. You can even kind of predict what’s going to happen when you’re in it.

Another thing about having a Place like Ashley’s is that you have a view of the driveway. This allows you to bark at anybody who may be in the driveway. Our driveway has three other houses on it, so there are usually people in the driveway who ought to be barked at, and Ashley’s Place helps her get this done. Ashley also uses her Place for other important things like sleeping.

Even if you’re a person, you should probably get a Place. You might not be able to do all the useful things Ashley does in her Place, but you could still get a lot out of it. Like reading books or drinking coffee or sitting still. You could spend time in it every day like Ashley does, even if it was just a few minutes. You might like it.